My first birth experience is surprisingly not my own. I will tell you the story; it was an eye opener for me and would shape so many of my ideas in the future. Those experiences keep teaching me and continuously help me to discover different layers to myself and humanity.
I was a final year post graduate student then. One day, I got a call from a group of friends who had gone to Attappadi, a tribal settlement, as part of a social research project. There was a heavily pregnant woman there, who was paralysed on one side and whose water had just broke. There was no one by her side. She was just lying there, wrapped in a cocoon of loneliness, probably unaware of what just happened. They'd called an ambulance but there was no one to accompany her. It was a complicated case and they decided to take her to the Calicut Medical College Hospital. I went as the female bystander and waited for them to arrive. Instinctively, even I knew that no one should have to feel alone, especially a woman about to give birth. She was taken into the ICU upon arrival and that's when I got to know the rest of her story. She was a cardiac patient and had also suffered multiple abortions after her first child. Not only this, but she was also just seven months pregnant when her water broke. My friend and I, we waited in that hospital ward, crowded with women of all ages. Some were sleeping on the ground; some were pacing up and down the corridor and there was a guard at the entrance. Sometime in the night, they came and told us that the mother and baby were a risk to one another. The rest of the night we prayed to the heavens, and as though heaven itself was crying for her, it rained torrentially.
At about 3 a.m. they informed us that the child had been born. They were able to save both mother and baby! We were beyond relieved that mother and baby were okay. Hospital rules did not let anybody accompany the patient in the ICU. But as it was a complicated case, we got special permission, and my friend and I were allowed to take care of her. We managed to collect diapers and new clothes for mother and baby. My friend and I took turns to care for her, help her to the washroom, give her food, change the baby’s clothes, etc. She didn’t have enough milk for her baby, and we had to take the baby to the neonatal care unit. My friend (male) and I were on our way to the NICU. And as we were waiting for the lift, we overheard the guard and a couple of people commenting at how young we were and how the kids of today are so irresponsible. For a moment, I was mortified, but then it struck me how quick the society was to judge. Did they even try to understand the situation? This taught me an important characteristic of society, and also how futile it is to retort.
For reasons you and I can only guess, suddenly our special permission was revoked. She was discharged in a week. On her last day at the hospital, we were allowed to see her. As we went near her, she turned her helpless and tired eyes toward us, and asked us in a pleading voice if she could have some rice with a little fish curry. All we could do for her at that moment was feed her the food she was craving for. The poor thing was so grateful. Her tired, yet big smile meant so much to us. She had just given birth! She deserved so much! No woman has to feel the way she was made to feel.
A couple of years later I went with a friend to visit her. She and the baby were doing great and miraculously she had started to walk also!
I don’t mean to tell you this story just as an anecdote. This made me question a lot about society, myself, women in general and about birth. It is every woman’s right; our mental, physical, and psychological freedom. No one can ever take it away from us. Not the self-proclaimed know-it-all relatives, insensitive doctors, or the unsupportive spouses. You decide. Only you.
I also want you to understand your rights as a woman and a mother. Know that it is your right to be included in any decision concerning you and your child, to know what treatments you will receive and what procedures will be done on your body, to be protected from unnecessary medical interventions and to ask for a second opinion if you choose to.
It is sad that the vast majority of new parents have very negative and distressing memories associated with pregnancy and birth. Pregnancy is supposed to be a beautiful journey, feminine power at its peak and you at your most divine. You are doing something absolutely divine and blessed. Never forget to always be kind and forgiving to yourself.